Chronic Illness: Do You Hear the Call?

For the last 8 years, I've lived with daily chronic pain in my back and neck. In 2000, a rheumatologist diagnosed me with a muscular condition similar to fibromyalgia. I learned to accept pain flare-ups, sleep problems, medications, regular medical appointments, seasonal depression, and alternative treatments as part of my lifestyle. Sometimes it seems like my pain has become part of who I am, because it comes with me wherever I go and has affected every part of my life. My wife Jane and our teenage children learned to adapt to the struggles and extra medical bills related to my pain.

In the fall of ‘05, my pain increased, as it did every year when the weather turned cold, but this time, my pain level was significantly worse. My condition gradually sank as my weeks of severe pain turned into long winter months of prolonged fatigue and pain. My family life, work, and social life suffered because of my severe fatigue. My doctors ordered tests and tried new medications that were ineffective.

Sometimes I shared my troubles with friends, but they could not seem to understand or know how to help me. I felt like I was living in a foreign world, a lonely world of hurt. Living with so much pain was like facing a daily obstacle course that was invisible to those around me. My struggles seemed overwhelming at times. Every area of my life seemed to be falling apart. My hope gradually faded away.

In Psalm 13:1-2, David prayed to his Lord, "How long will you hide your face from me?" I often prayed and cried out to God for help, but instead of an answer from God, my body and heart continued to ache. I felt despair. Occasionally, suicide seemed to be the only way for me to escape my aching body, and faith in Christ assured me of the hope of a pain-free life in heaven.

On a sunny day in March, I drove to a state park to go for a walk. I wrote a letter about why I felt like ending my life and put it in a garbage can. I went home, did a few errands, and later my family came home. Shortly after supper, a sheriff's deputy came to our door and said that the letter had been found and turned into them. When he told my family about it, they were shocked. He called a member of the emergency response team, who came and sat in our living room. He asked about what led to my suicidal thoughts, and I shared about my pain, depression and fatigue. He said he thought I needed to go to the hospital, and I reluctantly agreed to go to the hospital.

It was humbling to be admitted to the hospital's mental health wing. As time went on, my pain level and outlook gradually improved, and on the fourth day, my doctor released me. Because I was feeling better and more hopeful, I took an extra day off and returned to work. However, my improved spirit and hope lasted for only a few weeks before the same old pain, fatigue and depression returned.

One doctor said he'd sign the papers for my disability, and I reluctantly decided to start the process of applying for disability. I didn't want to see myself as disabled, but thought it might be best for my family and employer. Another doctor recommended that I take a medical leave of absence from my work, and begin an intensive program at a pain clinic. It was very hard for me to admit that I could not work anymore.

Easter reminded me of the hope of Christ's resurrection, but inwardly, I felt little hope for myself. My friends were understanding, as was my employer who expressed concern and approved my medical leave. On May 1, my medical leave began, and I started the program at the pain clinic.

In the story of Job, Satan took everything away from Job, including his health. Job kept believing in God steadfastly, even though his friends were a huge hindrance. Job went through incredible pain and loss. But toward the end, God restored his life and blessed him doubly (Job 42:5).

When my pain, depression, and fatigue were severe, my life seemed like Job's. But I have seen God's kindness in the many people who've reached out to me in compassion, and I've seen God's hand in the lives of others with chronic pain. God has taught me humility, perseverance, and to depend more on those around me.

With the help I've received at the pain clinic and understanding friends, God seems to be putting the pieces of my broken life back together again. My pain has decreased, and my energy has increased. God is real to me again. I'm able to smile and enjoy life again. I feel deep gratitude to God for restoring my hope.

I know that I will have difficult days ahead, and my path will not be easy, because my body still hurts. I continue to have sleep problems which cause fatigue, memory loss, and difficulty focusing. Going on disability or returning to a stressful workplace will have their challenges. My struggles continue. But God is God. He will do what's best for me and us, because God loves us, and He's in charge. My God can take a hurting, hopeless person, and make him new again. I cherish the precious hope that God has given me to move forward.

In I Thessalonians 1:3, Paul thanked God for their "endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I can endure because God is using my journey with hurt in new ways to help others. If you're struggling with chronic illness, fatigue, or depression, keep persevering because God can renew your life and restore your hope! Hope is so powerful and so vital to living with chronic illness.

ENCOURAGING SCRIPTURES: