If You're Out of Hope I'll Len You Mine
Robin Jackson
4/27/05

[HOST_Carolann] I think we will get started now. Welcome again to everyone! And a special welcome to Robin Jackson as our special guest. The title of her talk today is If You're Out of Hope I'll Lend You Mine.
[HOST_Carolann] She will talk about her experience of suffering and her relationship with Jesus Christ.
[HOST_Carolann] Welcome Robin, and I will now turn our time over to you.
RobinJackson> Hi everyone. You all make the most charming 'pop' sound when you enter the chat room. Brings new meaning to the phrase Pop on over!
RobinJackson> Thanks Carolann
RobinJackson> I am so thrilled to be with you all today
RobinJackson> As Carolann said, my name is Robin Jackson. and I'm here to brag on my big God and to love and encourage you.
RobinJackson> Leigh Barkalow said the following:
RobinJackson> "We are loved beyond our usefulness."
RobinJackson> Think about that.
RobinJackson> "We are loved beyond our usefulness."
RobinJackson> "We are loved beyond our usefulness."
RobinJackson> "We are loved beyond our usefulness."
RobinJackson> "We are loved beyond our usefulness."
RobinJackson> No, this is not a technical difficulty. This is not a typo.
RobinJackson> I'm saying this several times,
RobinJackson> because I think we need it to soak in like water
RobinJackson> to the dry, cracked clay
RobinJackson> of our hearts.
RobinJackson> So many times, when I would talk to a friend about the chronic pain I was dealing with,
RobinJackson> <sigh> I can't tell you how many conversations centered around
RobinJackson> the latest herbal remedy, or
RobinJackson> the neighbor's cousin's sisters' friend's college roommate who knows this doctor who….
RobinJackson> or specific prayer for miraculous healing.
RobinJackson> And none of those suggestions are bad
RobinJackson> They were all given with a heart of love
RobinJackson> They were all given with the desire to see me be well.
RobinJackson> The thing is…all those solutions spoke to the pain in my body
RobinJackson> They didn't speak to the pain in my heart.
RobinJackson> First, I'm going to talk about the pain in my heart.
RobinJackson> And the pain in my heart was…I really thought that if I didn't produce, then I wasn't worth anything to God, to my family, or to the world. If I really admitted to myself, somewhere in my heart I thought that if I didn't produce, then I didn't deserve to live.
RobinJackson> Sometimes, a good spiritual truth can be
RobinJackson> Spoken, or
RobinJackson> Applied, or
RobinJackson> Received
RobinJackson> In a way that's not balanced or not healing or even hurtful to our hearts.
RobinJackson> And it can have really disastrous effects.
RobinJackson> That's why Second Timothy 2:15 says, "Rightly dividing the word of truth"
RobinJackson> Now, I'm certainly not holding up myself as the one who's qualified to "rightly divide" <laugh> but I say that because I want you to understand the context in which I heard-at a very young age-the following statement:
RobinJackson> "If anyone will not work, then neither shall he eat." That's Second Thessalonians 3:10 Why I was told that as a small child seems a bit odd, considering little kids are fed whether they do "work" or not.
RobinJackson> But somehow this stuck in my head, that if I couldn't produce, if I couldn't deliver high quality results, then I just didn't deserve anything.
RobinJackson> Now, before we go on, let's not leave off verse 11 which I didn't read until I was an adult, which says, "For we hear there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies."
RobinJackson> <laugh> Whew! So it's easy to see NOW that that verse didn't apply to me in the disability. I could barely walk-"among you" or anywhere else, for that matter. I wasn't being disorderly, nor could my body be in any way described as "busy".
[HOST_Carolann] can you please slow down a bit Robin?
RobinJackson> sure thing
RobinJackson> no problem
RobinJackson> this is my first time doing a chat presentation
[HOST_Carolann] we all understand
[HOST_Carolann] some read slower than others
RobinJackson> no problem
RobinJackson> It's very hard as a speaker to not have eye-to-eye non verbal feedback
RobinJackson> I'll jump back in with my little talk
RobinJackson> So it's easy to see now that verse didn't apply to me, but
RobinJackson> But back then, right after my injury, this thought stuck in my head, I couldn't work so I shouldn't eat or I was "less than" because I wasn't working.
RobinJackson> It is a HUGE understatement to say I grew up with a really strong work ethic.
RobinJackson> I grew up with an iron-clad, Scot-Irish work ethic that would just knock your socks off.
RobinJackson> And that's a good, godly heritage.
RobinJackson> But in my life, the Enemy really twisted that truth to just torment me because I was disabled and I wasn't able to work.
RobinJackson> Before I was injured, before disability entered my life, I was a performance addict. I didn't have any sense of being loved and appreciated by God just because he created me, just because I was His. I believed he loved me, but I had to keep performing to keep getting the love. So, I was just OBSESSED with proving myself.
RobinJackson> Anybody else ever felt that way?
sueraec> YES
sueraec> I'm Scotch-Irish also
[HOST_Carolann] even the church puts pressure on doing
kvp> definitely .... I always felt I had to achieve
Ann> yes, I felt useless when I couldn't earn a living
RobinJackson> thank you sueraec
Mary_LouC> Yes, I was a perfectionist and came from a family with a strong Protestant Work Ethic as well.
kvp> and that that was where my worth was
Mary_LouC> And my father, having been raised in poverty during the Depression, saw having money as EXTREMELY important.
RobinJackson> kvp, ann, mary lou ...i hear you!
Mary_LouC> And disabled people don't make much money!
RobinJackson> I see I am among friends
kvp> I still find it difficult not to have that mind-set
Mary_LouC> Success = economic security in my father's eyes.
RobinJackson> So in school and in career, every test, every project, every assignment was not a chance to learn, grow, spread my wings, or excel.
RobinJackson> Instead, each job or task was a white-knuckled, sweat on my brow, desperate attempt to try to prove myself worthy and prove wrong everyone who said I couldn't make it. To try to somehow redeem myself.
RobinJackson> Wow, can you see the difference in the motivation?
Mary_LouC> Yes, it takes the fun out of everything!
kvp> yes - it was almost as if you had done something wrong and you were trying to put it right
Alice> My husband grew up that way and still can't break the mold
RobinJackson> You're right! ..............You can see that instead of just excelling....... and wanting to learn....... and grow..... and stretch my wings..... just for the joy of achieving ...........was so contrasted with the driven, white knuckled obsession to somehow prove myself
sueraec> By trying to prove my own worth through work, I lost my self-confidence & instead accepted the term "rejection"
Alice> I grew up in a family of 9 children and we all had to work -- but never pressured that way -- how sad for those of you who had to go through that
RobinJackson> Oh folks, it was not pretty.
RobinJackson> Now that you've got a fairly clear picture of this driven workaholic lady that I was…
RobinJackson> imagine what happened when she's suddenly disabled.
RobinJackson> When the simplest task like lifting her leg in the shower to shave her leg causes her severe pain. She can do hardly any of her former achievements!
RobinJackson> I bet some of you know what that's like?
sueraec> OH YES!
Alice> Absolutely
Mary_LouC> It's depressing!
RobinJackson> If we were in a room, I'd be making eye contact with you and seeing you nod at me
Ann> yes, some days just getting up and dressing is a success for me
RobinJackson> I hear you
kvp> yes - every action has to be carefully considered and weighed and prioritised
RobinJackson> Now, considering all that.......can you imagine the depth of horror and heartache and soul sickness that I went through? Miss Workaholic? Miss Newly-Disabled Workaholic?
[HOST_Carolann] must have been devastating
RobinJackson> Oh folks, it was a dark night of the soul.
kvp> yes - like your feet had been knocked from under you
RobinJackson> <nodding>
RobinJackson> And yet, it was a merciful time for me.
RobinJackson> Because God had to make it so it was impossible for me to prove my worth on my own.
RobinJackson> So I could accept the gift that was there all along
Enter_Name_here> I think that is what I am going through now
RobinJackson> I'm glad you're here, then
Alice> That's where He wants us all to be -- so He can show us how we can depend on Him
RobinJackson> what God had for me all along was...
RobinJackson> The gift that I was valuable, not because of me, but because of Him.
RobinJackson> You're right on target Alice!
RobinJackson> Are you all with me so far?
RobinJackson> Am I talking too fast?
[HOST_Carolann] sure thing!
Enter_Name_here> yes
[HOST_Carolann] no, perfect
Shadow> with you!
Alice> We go down kicking and screaming, though
RobinJackson> <laugh> Okay, now some of you are probably thinking, "Wow, she's pretty stubborn that it took something like a disabling spinal injury to get through to her"
[HOST_Carolann] that's what I was thinking, hehehe
RobinJackson> Well…<sheepish grin> I'll gladly admit to that.
Mary_LouC> I was just as stubborn. He had to do the same thing with me. I can relate, Robin!
RobinJackson> Now please hear me, I'm NOT saying that everyone who has a disability that they were a hard nut to crack and God really had to go after them DON'T let the Enemy twist what I just said.
[HOST_Carolann] good point Robin
RobinJackson> thank you
RobinJackson> I am just freely admitting that this performance addiction, this overwhelming drive to achieve, this sense of somehow trying to validate myself, to prove myself through my achievements...
RobinJackson> that was so deeply ingrained in my character, that in order to be healed from that performance addiction, I had to be physically unable to do those performing, achieving behaviors.
Enter_Name_here> thought provoking term - performance addiction. I like that!
RobinJackson> In order for me to.... For me to "get it" that *I* was valuable to God and not only *my performance* as valuable to God.
RobinJackson> thanks.
RobinJackson> so in order for me to "get it" I had to see that I was worthy because of Him not because of me.
RobinJackson> So, that is why, when Leigh Barkalow says, "We are loved beyond our usefulness" that statement is so deeply moving for me.
RobinJackson> Just chew on that statement for a while.
kvp> that's a good statement to remember
Alice> Like Paul (Saul) being knocked off his horse and not being able to see for a while - before he found out that God loved him and had a "work of HIS own for Paul to do"
[HOST_Carolann] it's somehow "freeing"
RobinJackson> <blush> you're absolutely right
RobinJackson> yes, Carolann, there is a lot of freedom there
RobinJackson> As a man or woman with a disability in your life, you are loved beyond your usefulness.
Enter_Name_here> I will be thinking about this all day - loved beyond our usefulness
RobinJackson> <clapping> good!
Mary_LouC> It goes right to the heart of salvation, too, that we can do nothing to earn our way into heaven. Therefore, it's a very important lesson to learn.
[HOST_Carolann] post it on our refrigerators!
RobinJackson> As a man or woman with a disability in your life, you are loved beyond your usefulness.
RobinJackson> Please do Think about that.
RobinJackson> I've talked about the pain in my heart; that is, the emotional and spiritual aspect of disability, and how God's mercy met me in that place.
Enter_Name_here> I had to leave a church because I got so tired of the pressure to perform. The pastor repeatedly said that he didn't believe that God would afflict you with anything that would keep you out of the church and keep you from helping in the church.
[HOST_Carolann] that's so sad!
RobinJackson> You know, even pastors can have performance addictions
RobinJackson> but that's another topic...
sueraec> I'm sorry your Pastor said that to you...
RobinJackson> don't let anyone put you on their treadmill
RobinJackson> I'm so sorry you had to hear that from him
sueraec> because you will run out of energy & spirit
Enter_Name_here> this pastor certainly did have a performance addiction. I think he transferred addictions - used to be drugs and alcohol
RobinJackson> Now I'm going to talk about the pain in my body, that is, the medical, physical aspect of disability, and how God's mercy met me in that place.
RobinJackson> There have been some nutritional supplements that have greatly helped me physically.
RobinJackson> Antioxidants are my friend!
RobinJackson> With regard to the spinal injury and the nerve pain from that, chiropractic care and physical therapy strengthening have played a huge role in my treatment.
RobinJackson> And there have been some events that I call "God-coincidences"
RobinJackson> a situation where I was introduced to a doctor that was able to help me identify a second disabling condition
RobinJackson> completely different than the spinal injury....something that I didn't even know I had.
RobinJackson> Now, I could do a whole talk on that.
RobinJackson> Quite often, it's the disabling condition we don't even know we have that causes us so much pain.
RobinJackson> Spiritual disabling conditions,....... Emotional disabling conditions........ Undiagnosed physical medical disorders....... that can cause us so much suffering.
RobinJackson> There are a lot of able-bodied people who don't have any physical disability but their hearts are still disabled by that lie that says they are only as good as their last performance.
RobinJackson> do you know anyone like that?
RobinJackson> someone mentioned earlier that sounds like their husband
[HOST_Carolann] I think men are very achievement oriented and get their self esteem from work - like my husband
Alice> Yes -- it was me and he is that way
kvp> That's how I was - pre-illness days
RobinJackson> glad to know you're with me here....
RobinJackson> I don't want to give so many details on the message of the medical, physical pain that we lose the message of the heart pain,
RobinJackson> Because all of our physical symptoms are different.... but remember, our bodies hurt and our hearts hurt, and they're connected.
RobinJackson> But medicine for one is not necessarily medicine for the other.
RobinJackson> For example, my taking the medication I take every day that helps me to have less physical pain in my body, still doesn't take away the pain in my heart.
Alice> Right! Amen
RobinJackson> The pain in my heart was only relieved by God's grace and a deep awareness of His love for me no matter what.
[HOST_Carolann] would that it were so easy!
RobinJackson> <smilling and nodding>
RobinJackson> In the same way, ...........there are many of those among us whose bodies (while on this side of heaven)....... whose bodies will always carry some amount of physical pain or limitation, no matter how healed and free their hearts are.
RobinJackson> My goodness! Look at Joni and Friends as an example of that
Enter_Name_here> amazing example - Joni
RobinJackson> So, to get back on track, regarding my physical pain and how God's mercy met me in that place...
RobinJackson> I will tell you a little bit about some of the practical things that did help my body physically, because I think God deserves the praise for those things too. Because, as James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of Light."
Enter_Name_here> amen to that
[HOST_Carolann] yes, He works through the doctors and medicines etc
kvp> amen
RobinJackson> Or, as I tell my six year old, "All good presents come from God". So this medication and these treatments are good presents, and so I do believe they come from God.
RobinJackson> In fact, some of the medication I kind of see it as manna, because it's provided for me, I can't create it myself, and I need it every day. And just for today, I'm trusting that God's going to provide that.
[HOST_Carolann] what a neat way to look at it!
RobinJackson> just because we seek medical intervention doesn't mean we are not leaning on the Lord and depending on him
CarrieG> i needed that image!
Enter_Name_here> good point
RobinJackson> I'm so glad Carrie! I did too.
RobinJackson> As I've mentioned before, regular Chiropractic care and daily physical therapy strength training has been very beneficial to alleviate pain caused from the spinal injury and the resulting nerve pain.
RobinJackson> These, along with traditional narcotic painkillers treated the disability I knew I had: an inoperable herniated disc and the resulting nerve pain.
[HOST_Carolann] that can be so debilitating
RobinJackson> I'd like to take a few minutes and tell you about God's mercy toward me in discovering and treating the medical condition I didn't know I had:.........Hashimoto's thyroiditis, and adult onset pituitary disorder resulting in growth hormone deficiency.
RobinJackson> Phew! What a mouthful!
RobinJackson> Try saying that on a gameshow!
Christa> i have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis
RobinJackson> I wouldn't wish it on anyone Christa. but I do understand
RobinJackson> I'll just briefly talk about these illnesses, because *whatever* your disability or illness, his way, his time God has healing for you. Now it may or may not happen this side of Heaven.
RobinJackson> Some of the physical disabilities that have come into my life are still alive and active today. Some of them are gloriously removed due to medical intervention.
Alice> Could you tell us how this condition was diagnosed, Robin - or are you not comfortable with doing that? If not, that's okay
RobinJackson> But *all* our bodies have an expiration date, so let's just keep that in mind. .............We're not going to experience that physical perfection this side of Heaven, but Praise God, because of His mercy, and Christ's sacrifice, a *lot* of healing is *definitely* possible.
Alice> I've never heard of it
RobinJackson> No problem, Alice.
RobinJackson> Actually I will be talking more about that in just a minute because it was a huge God thing for me to be diagnosed
RobinJackson> <grin> Sorry to you Type A Cholerics in the crowd who want me to stay on target and just get on with listing the medicines that helped me. <laugh>
RobinJackson> Every time, I get ready to talk about the physical healing, I remember one more aspect of the heart healing that had to happen first.
RobinJackson> I never would have experienced the physical healing if I hadn't first gotten the heart healing, so please bear with me. It took me over a year in real time to "get it" all, so hang in there, I promise I'm trying to hurry up. <laugh>
RobinJackson> God led me through that dark night of the soul, healing my heart first before my body.
RobinJackson> By the way, I'm not picking on you Alice <grin>
RobinJackson> I actually had that in my notes ahead of time.
Alice> I understand - no problem
[HOST_Carolann] the hour has gone by fast, and Robin if you wish to continue, that's great, and if anyone needs to leave that is perfectly fine
RobinJackson> Thank you Carolann
sueraec> I'd like to hear more of what you have to say Robin, if you have the time...
RobinJackson> I have more to share and more time
sueraec> Thank you.
RobinJackson> would love to have all of you stay if you have the time
RobinJackson> If you have to go, that is totally okay
Alice> I can stay
[HOST_Carolann] please continue
Enter_Name_here> I can stay
Mary_LouC> I can stay for a few minutes more, too.
[HOST_Carolann] some people do find it hard to sit for any length of time, or have appointments
[HOST_Carolann] so feel free if that is necessary
RobinJackson> So, through so many messages, God got through to me that I did have value to him and that I was worth so much more than my performance.
RobinJackson> But the other way my heart had to be healed was a bone deep bitterness and resentment.
RobinJackson> So about the resentment in my heart....
Alice> Carolann - is it okay for Robin to go just a bit faster?
RobinJackson> Just let me know
[HOST_Carolann] yes please do
RobinJackson> Sometimes in life you can do everything right, you can play by all the rules, and you can still get <laugh> can I say screwed?
RobinJackson> <laugh> I should say, umm, walked all over. Is that better?
RobinJackson> Seriously folks, sometimes, you lose even though you're in the right.
RobinJackson> You can still lose when you shouldn't have to lose. And when that happened to me, I had a huge amount of bitterness and resentment in my heart.
RobinJackson> I worked for a financial investment company, and so financial planning was drilled into me. So even though I was in my late twenties, feeling fine and working 50 hour weeks with no problem, I bought a long term disability policy.
RobinJackson> I thought the premiums were sort of a waste of money since I was so young and healthy, but all the financial planners said it was important, so I did it.
RobinJackson> I had kind of a smug feeling about it. Kind of a "boy aren't I prudent?" attitude.
RobinJackson> So 2 years later, when I had the spinal injury and was unable to work, I filed a claim. The claim was denied for some medical hokey reason that made no sense.
RobinJackson> And in my Girl Scout Dudley Do Right mentality, I naively thought that if the insurance company just had the right information, they would apologize and pay the claim.
RobinJackson> So I set out to appeal the claim because I thought "how do you have a pre-existing an injury? One day you're feeling okay and working and making money and then you fall down and get hurt and then you're in bed crying and taking painkillers. ..........So how do you pre-exist that unless you're gonna' do time travel or something?"
RobinJackson> So you guys can see where this is going, can't you?
sueraec> YEP
RobinJackson> The appeal was denied.
Alice> Yes
CarrieG> been there, believed that.
RobinJackson> I hired an attorney to write an appeal letter and the insurance company basically said, "sue us if you want to, we're not budging."
Enter_Name_here> argh!
RobinJackson> So it was just consuming me. .
Mary_LouC> My apologies for interrupting, but I have to go and just wanted to say thank you to Robin and good-bye, all!
RobinJackson> I could only sit at my desk at home for about an hour a day ........so I would just sit and look through my files and think, "I'm going to find that *one* more key piece of medical information that will just be the catalyst that makes them pay my claim."
[HOST_Carolann] that's OK Mary Lou, bye
RobinJackson> Thanks Mary Lou
RobinJackson> Carolann I think the full transcript will be available later online . is that right?
[HOST_Carolann] it will yes
RobinJackson> Good to know.
RobinJackson> So, I wanted the claim to be paid because it would relieve my sense of justice.
RobinJackson> I had paid for this policy, it wasn't a handout I was asking for.
RobinJackson> And if the claim would be paid then that would give me some relief to my performance addiction because then I could be contributing financially to my family.
RobinJackson> And money was getting tight at home.
RobinJackson> And every time I couldn't pay a bill or had to cut one more thing from the family budget, I would think about this person at the insurance company who signed all the denial letters and I would just be consumed with bitterness and helpless rage.
RobinJackson> So eventually, my case progressed until we were just waiting for a day in court,
sueraec> Oh how this sounds familiar..
RobinJackson> and God woke me up in the middle of the night and said, "Gimme"
RobinJackson> In other words, "hand it over, fork it over, give up this resentment and forgive this person at the insurance company and drop the lawsuit."
RobinJackson> So in the middle of the night, I sat in front of the fireplace in the living room. .
RobinJackson> I am a visual, tangible kind of person, so I held a small pillow in my hands,
Alice> Sorry! I need to go, too. My body is saying "i must lay down for a while" I think my typing above is showing that i have come to the end of my sitting time. Bye everyone and thanks Robin and Carolann.
[HOST_Carolann] bye Alice, have a good rest
RobinJackson> Thank you so much Alice
sueraec> God Bless you Alice
RobinJackson> Please consider checking out the transcript later
Alice> Thanks - I will and i always do even though i am usually on the chat. bye again.
RobinJackson> So I just poured out my heart to God and I told him everything that this claims adjuster person did or said that hurt me. Every way my family had suffered financially, my two year old not understanding why mommy couldn't pick him up any more, all the physical pain I'd suffered, all the loss of social stature in my career, every loss.
RobinJackson> And then,
RobinJackson> as act of my will,
RobinJackson> in the full knowledge of what this claims adjuster had done
RobinJackson> and what God had done in allowing the accident to happen to me,
RobinJackson> as an act of my will and an act of obedience to my Father God, I chose to forgive them.
RobinJackson> And I laid this pillow down in front of the fire in the fireplace, like putting a sacrifice on an altar.
RobinJackson> And I wept when I did it,
RobinJackson> and I wrote a letter to that claims adjuster afterward and forgave them and told them you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good. And I went back to bed and woke up the next morning a different woman.
RobinJackson> I still had to make little follow up choices to forgive, kind of like aftershocks of an earthquake, but the big decision had been made.
RobinJackson> And within about six weeks of this altar experience, God allowed me to hear about the second disabling condition I didn't even know I had.
RobinJackson> And he provided medical intervention to heal it.
RobinJackson> I believe, I am fully convinced, that God brought healing and deliverance from a large percentage of my physical pain as a direct result of my act of obedience and laying down my resentment on the altar.
RobinJackson> So six weeks after this altar experience, My mom told me about this book, "The Thyroid Solution" by Ridha Arem.
RobinJackson> And I didn't want to hear it.
RobinJackson> I had gotten kind of cynical about medicine and doctors in general
RobinJackson> so I didn't want to hear one more thing because I had just worked so hard in my one hour a day on my computer and reading books in bed thinking I'd find a cure, and it hadn't worked.
RobinJackson> I didn't want to hear any more. I was so resistant.
RobinJackson> You know, sometimes there is this tendency that comes over us when we've been physically hurting and our heart is hurting for so long that when someone comes along and wants to cheer us up or give us new information, we just want to smack 'em.
RobinJackson> <laughing>
kvp> lol
RobinJackson> Kind of like that line from the movie Grumpy Old Men where Walter Matthau says, "Eat my shorts!"
CarrieG> yup
RobinJackson> So when my mom first told me about this book and the whole thyroid issue, I basically told her to eat my shorts.
RobinJackson> Some of you today may want to tell me to eat my shorts.
sueraec> been there..done that!
RobinJackson> You may be sick of people trying to cheer you up. It feels like they're not taking you seriously. Like they're offering a bandaid to treat a hemorrhage.
RobinJackson> That may be just where you are right now, and that's okay.
RobinJackson> So my mom left the book with me and I thumbed through it thinking I'd just pacify her.
sueraec> I was told by someone.."no one likes happiness all the time!"
RobinJackson> And so many things in the book sounded like me, and ideas were just jumping off the page at me.
RobinJackson> And I thought, "God can this be something you have for me even though my MOTHER told me?" <laugh>
RobinJackson> I love that thing Wynonna Judd said, "If it's not one thing, it's your mother!" <laugh>
RobinJackson> So I was resistant at first, and there was this pride in my heart that said, "By golly, I'm an adult and I can read the internet as good as she can and who is she to tell me how to get well?"
RobinJackson> Another example of my prideful performance addiction mentality.
Enter_Name_here> yikes! that hits home
RobinJackson> So God used this situation and it was no mistake that he used my mom to tell me about the whole thyroid endocrinology issue.
RobinJackson> It didn't happen until I gave up the bitterness
RobinJackson> and It was a very healing thing in my relationship with my mom
RobinJackson> God bless her forever for giving me that book.
RobinJackson> So I read this book and it was just an epiphany when I realized that Dr. Arem practiced medicine in my hometown Houston. .
RobinJackson> And I just realized, this guy who wrote this book could be at Brigham hospital in Boston and he could be at Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and he's in Houston, 25 minutes from my front door.
RobinJackson> Okay.
RobinJackson> This is a God thing
RobinJackson> So I took some of my last payments from unemployment and worker's comp to pay for my office visit and all the expensive lab tests.
sueraec> Yes, Robin, it was indeed a "God-thing!"
Enter_Name_here111> AMEN
RobinJackson> And God bless him forever, seeing Dr. Arem changed my life.
RobinJackson> Thank you Jesus!
RobinJackson> Out of all the doctors that I'd been to see for my spinal injury which was real and documented, Dr. Arem the endocrinologist was the first doctor to give me the tender point test for fibromyalgia.
RobinJackson> And several of the points were tender.
sueraec> Isn't it amazing to find out those tender points are tender--but only through an exam?
RobinJackson> And he told me, "I'm not going to diagnose you with fibromyalgia. I'm not going to put a label on you. But I will tell you that several of my patients who have a thyroid disorder and a pituitary disorder have a lot of the same symptoms as someone who has fibromyalgia. And these disorders can be treated, and I think I can help you."
RobinJackson> Yes
RobinJackson> So I did all the expensive blood tests and ultrasounds and biopsy and MRI.
RobinJackson> And they showed I had Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and adult onset Pituitary Disorder with Growth Hormone Deficiency.
RobinJackson> This was such a blessing!
RobinJackson> Such a relief!
RobinJackson> And you might say, someone just told you your whole endrocrine system isn't worth a toot…why are you so happy? <laugh>
sueraec> Because you at least now know!
CarrieG> 'cause you have a 'reason' for feeling the way you feel!
RobinJackson> It was because all the doctors who treated me for the spinal injury said I was still in pain then I must be lying.
RobinJackson> Yes!
RobinJackson> And now I had tangible lab results that said I had a condition that meant I had no "rebuild and repair" hormone, and this could cause severe joint and muscle pain
RobinJackson> So, to all the doctors who told me my pain was all in my head.....guess what?
RobinJackson> It WAS in my head, it was in my pituitary gland in my head! <laugh>
CarrieG> it was!
CarrieG> literally!
RobinJackson> What a hoot!
RobinJackson> I'll say a little bit about Adult Onset Growth Hormone Deficiency.
RobinJackson> I did not have the problem that I was only 3 feet tall. There are some children who have Growth Hormone Deficiency that do have trouble growing.
RobinJackson> An adult with Growth Hormone Deficiency isn't necessarily short, their body just does not have the hormone to rebuild and repair.
RobinJackson> So what is Growth Hormone Deficiency?
RobinJackson> Well, If you remember back to high school health class, you may have been told not to lift weights every day that you should have at least 1 day of rest in between.
RobinJackson> The reason for that is when you lift weights, your muscle fibers get these tiny little tears
RobinJackson> and when you have the day of rest in between, your body can rebuild and repair these tiny little tears .........and your muscle will be stronger than it was before.
RobinJackson> Now, if you're like me, and you *don't have any* growth hormone, then your body will be just FULL of these tiny little tears.
RobinJackson> So you can imagine, it is very painful because none of those little tears were healing.
RobinJackson> Does that make sense?
CarrieG> yes
sueraec> Yes
sueraec> Just like Fibro where your muscles never relax!
Enter_Name_here111> SURE DOES
RobinJackson> So this is what I meant by a second disabling condition ........because in addition to the specific nerve pain from my spinal injury, ....I had these little tears all over my body.
RobinJackson> Yes
RobinJackson> I can tell you're with me here
RobinJackson> So this was very painful and very frustrating because if you poked me pretty much anywhere in my body, odds are it would hurt.........(again similar to fibro)..... But because I didn't hurt *only* in the specific places where the spinal nerve caused pain, the worker's comp doctors said I must be lying.
RobinJackson> So Dr. Arem started treating me with T3/T4 Thyroid medication and Growth Hormone medication.
RobinJackson> When I say Growth Hormone medication, I don't mean the supplements at the health food store that are marketed as a product to help your pituitary gland do its job. ..........I mean the medicine that you inject into your body every day if your pituitary gland cannot make growth hormone.
RobinJackson> Kind of like injecting insulin.
RobinJackson> So I started taking this recombinant DNA growth hormone made in a laboratory.
RobinJackson> Because of the years of research it took to make this medication, this medication is very expensive. I say God bless them for making this stuff.
RobinJackson> Through insurance and through a charity program from the drug company, God in his mercy has provided this medicine for me.
RobinJackson> It's not something I can afford on my own, but not because of my performance or my ability to pay several hundred dollars a month, God has provided healing for me.
RobinJackson> Pretty awesome isn't it?
sueraec> God is soooo Good!
RobinJackson> God used the high cost of the medication to force me to lean on him because he knew of my tendency to perform and do things on my own.
RobinJackson> I need this medicine and I can't just afford to just run out and buy it.
RobinJackson> Even in the way my medication is paid for, God has showed me that it's not about my performance, it's about his mercy.
RobinJackson> Hallelujah!
Enter_Name_here111> AMEN
RobinJackson> So this is where my story gets happier.
RobinJackson> Within a month of taking the thyroid and the growth hormone medication, I started to feel dramatically better.
RobinJackson> To illustrate, I'll tell you that my husband and I were out on a date and we went to a movie.
RobinJackson> Now everything's bigger in Texas, even the movie theaters. <laugh>
RobinJackson> So the parking lots at these 15 screen theaters are just huge.
RobinJackson> And we were walking back to the car after the movie.
RobinJackson> And my Kevin is such a gentleman,
RobinJackson> and he always offered me his arm when we're walking on a date,
RobinJackson> and I used to have to lean on that arm quite a bit because I could not catch my breath I was so exhausted.
RobinJackson> I mean before treatment I was like "end of a marathon" exhausted all the time.
RobinJackson> So this evening about a month on my new medication, I squeezed my husband's bicep and said, "Honey! Do you realize what's happening?"
RobinJackson> And ever the engineer, my beloved Kevin said, "Uh, sweetheart, we've just been to see a movie and we're walking back to the car." <laugh>
RobinJackson> and I smiled and said, "yes that's true, but do you realize we're walking through this huge parking lot and I haven't had to ask you once to stop and let me catch my breath? I am actually keeping up with you Honey!"
RobinJackson> So we just realized, "holy cow its working!" and we just hugged and rejoiced in the middle of the parking lot.
Enter_Name_here111> AWESOME
sueraec> Praise God!
MARYMCQ1> Ditto!
RobinJackson> YAY GOD.....So, after maybe 8 weeks from diagnosis, after my endocrinologist got the dosage right for the thyroid and growth hormone medicine, the muscle and joint pain decreased enormously.
RobinJackson> My spine doctor was able to take me off the heavy duty narcotic painkillers and give me a non-narcotic painkiller.
RobinJackson> I still hurt in specific patterns from the spinal nerves, but I no longer hurt all over my whole body.
RobinJackson> I know this may sound silly to someone who's never experienced chronic pain.
RobinJackson> But this was a BIG DEAL.
RobinJackson> Do you know what I'm talkin' about?
Enter_Name_here111> OH YES
RobinJackson> Someone who has never had chronic pain might think I'm nuts when I say, "Praise God, I only hurt where my nerves are damaged! Not all over my entire body!" <laugh>
RobinJackson> But I used to hurt everywhere.
RobinJackson> Just cotton pickin' everywhere! If you poked me anywhere, it would hurt.
sueraec> Any relief of pain, no matter how small is a blessing
RobinJackson> But not anymore!
RobinJackson> You're right, Sue, and cultivating this attitude of gratitude is a big deal and is very healing.
RobinJackson> God's mercy to me in disability is that he healed a huge majority of my pain. But he didn't take it all away and having some limitations has kept me humble.
RobinJackson> Sometimes I have a little fit of pride and I get on a performance addiction binge and I work too long and ignore my boundaries.
RobinJackson> Anybody here been there? (you don't have to say)
Enter_Name_here111> OHYES
RobinJackson> Sort of like someone might have a hangover if they drink too much, if I overwork, I'll end up in severe pain.
CarrieG> still in the midst
RobinJackson> Of course, as many of you can attest, sometimes flare-ups happen when we are doing everything right.
CarrieG> too true...and frustrating
RobinJackson> When this happens, I have to be humble and let me family and colleagues know I will be out of the loop for a few days, and I have go back to my therapeutic program instead of my maintenance program.
RobinJackson> For me that means more frequent Chiropractic, narcotic painkillers, more frequent icepacks, and lots of rest.
RobinJackson> Each of us has a different maintenance program and therapeutic program...things we do to feel better
RobinJackson> So, I'll try to wrap this up
RobinJackson> Let me bring you up to the present and tell you what a normal day is like for me now.
RobinJackson> I get up at 6am and get my little boy ready for school. I walk him to the bus stop at 7am.
RobinJackson> After I wave goodbye to him, I put on my headphones and walk for about 30 minutes listening to music.
RobinJackson> This is my time of communing with God and praising him for my body that works so well.
RobinJackson> I go home and do my physical therapy routine for about 20 minutes.
RobinJackson> I could never do any of this before hormone treatment.
RobinJackson> Every day it is such a blessing to be able to do this......So then I get dressed in regular clothes and go into my home office.
>> marymcq1 has left room #RestMinistries_Pro
RobinJackson> While I can't work 50 hour weeks like I did before my injury, I can I work for about 4 or 5 hours a day, taking breaks to put icepacks on my back every couple of hours.
RobinJackson> I am so grateful
Enter_Name_here111> ::biggrin
RobinJackson> I do have a rest time before my son gets home from school.
RobinJackson> But instead of being stuck in bed taking heavy duty painkillers, I can play with him for a while, help him with his homework and then cook dinner.
RobinJackson> Normal Mom things!
kvp> praise God
RobinJackson> I am able to spend time with my husband and son in the evenings and go to bed when they do.
RobinJackson> On an average week, I have to take some pain medicine but no narcotics. Some weeks, I don't need pain medicine at all.
RobinJackson> And my heart is full.
RobinJackson> My life is beautiful and rewarding.
RobinJackson> My marriage is tender and passionate. We are enjoying our son.
RobinJackson> Life is very good. Not perfect by any stretch but very *very* good.
RobinJackson> Praise God he has given me a new life.
RobinJackson> Not the one I had, but a wonderful life
sueraec> And a ministry..
kvp> amen
RobinJackson> <smile> That's right Sue. It is a thrill to share with you all
[HOST_Carolann] praise God for all His grace and mercy in your life Robin
RobinJackson> So if we were in a room together I would be clapping!
[HOST_Carolann] it's e great testimony and encouragement
[HOST_Carolann] to Him be the honour and glory!

(some text accidentally omitted)

RobinJackson> Can you all agree?
RobinJackson> This perseverance thing is highly overrated!
Enter_Name_here111> OH YES
RobinJackson> It's the truth you know.
sueraec> YES...
RobinJackson> No matter how many times God has done miracles in my life, I still have to choose daily, sometimes hourly, to run to him with my weakness and choose to persevere instead of agreeing with the Enemy's lies and despair.
RobinJackson> It's a choice.
sueraec> But when we are at our weakest, HE is at HIS strongest....
RobinJackson> Usually a difficult choice.
RobinJackson> On a dark day, I have to call a buddy and ask them to pray for me.
RobinJackson> And that is the real mercy God has shown me in disability.
RobinJackson> Anything that forces me to look beyond myself,
RobinJackson> and forces me to give up the performance addiction
RobinJackson> and compels me to reach out to God and other people
RobinJackson> anything that does that is a good thing.
RobinJackson> Because we all need God.
[HOST_Carolann] amen
RobinJackson> We all need other people.
RobinJackson> <tears in eyes> So thank you for letting me share my heart with you today
sueraec> We were never meant to survive alone
RobinJackson> God's richest mercy to you all my friends
[HOST_Carolann] thank you Robin so much for all you have shared
RobinJackson> Carolann, I'll turn it back over to you
sueraec> Robin, God has indeed blessed you and your ministry. Thank you for sharing with us...
kvp> Thank you so much Robin ..... for a wonderful balanced testimony
[HOST_Carolann] thank you for sharing your heart Robin and I know that all of us have been touched by your message
Enter_Name_here111> AMEN
RobinJackson> Thank you!
[HOST_Carolann] thank you all for being here today
RobinJackson> I want to say that my website is down temporarily
sueraec> Oh Yes...
Tammy> Yes, thanks Robin
RobinJackson> but if you'd like to send me an email, I can let you know when the new site is live
Enter_Name_here> thanks, Robin
sueraec> what is your e-mail address?
[HOST_Carolann] that's kind of you Robin
RobinJackson> my address is rjackson@lighthouseproductions.com
RobinJackson> Carolann thank you so much for inviting me
RobinJackson> this has meant the world to me
[HOST_Carolann] you are very welcome, it has been a pleasure and a blessing
sueraec> Robin, thank you again for sharing with all of us.
Tammy> Thanks Robin, your story is so similar to mine except I have different diagnosis
RobinJackson> Sue, you are so welcome
RobinJackson> Tammy, thank you
Enter_Name_here111> WHAT A BLESSING
[HOST_Carolann] anyone that would like to stay on longer and chat feel free
RobinJackson> I can hardly keep up to respond to all your lovely words of encouragement