thirty-nine-year-old man who has lived
for over ten years with fibromyalgia and
chronic fatigue syndrome shares how he
has hung on to Christ, through pain and
for what? For healing? I have prayed fervently
for healing for nine years - NINE YEARS
Long, agonizing prayer times. Begging...
weeping... arguing... listing all the
obvious, good reasons why I should be
healed. "My kids need me etc."
am sitting completely desolate and empty
before the Lord, completely bewildered
by His silence in this area, by His refusal
to heal me. I go to church and listen
to someone stand up and gush, "I
had a cold this morning and I prayed and
God healed me, He is so good." I
feel beaten down even more by these words
of God's apparent fickle nature. Does
He heal those around me of these tiny
little problems they have just to torment
my mind even more? Just to, like a power
mad dictator, lift up the curtain and
show a starving man a steak and lobster
dinner, only to laugh and slam the door
in his face?
anyone among you suffering? Let Him Pray,"
says the book of James, and yet at times
prayer seems like the very last thing
I want to do. Why should I pray? Why should
I serve Him? He does nothing for me. He
does not step in to help. With the smallest
gesture of His mind He could bring health
to me. An omnipotent God does not have,
'a limited supply' of power. It would
cost Him nothing to heal me. I am the
smallest of all problems before Him. My
illness is not a mystery to the 'Great
Physician.' And yet, my judge stands,
looking, watching, with inner help only,
waiting to see if I will stand or fall.
said, "The kingdom of heaven is within
you." I never try to pray 'upwardly'
to the Father. I find the door to my own
heart and discover that this is the door
to the kingdom of Heaven. It is on the
inside of my being that I discover His
presence... It is forever true that He
sits high and enthroned far above my reach
in heaven. He is the Alpha and Omega.
The beginning and the end.
chapter one says, "In the beginning
was the Word, and the Word was with God,
and the word was God... And the Word became
flesh and dwelt among us and we beheld
his glory full of grace and truth."
Jesus the almighty God has his own way
with this world, yet He dwells deep in
your soul far beyond your minds reach.
connect with him takes patience and faith.
Every day I FEEL as if my faith is draining
out of me. It's like I have a huge vent
in my soul and, like a lake through a
ruined dam, my faith just rushes out and
rushes out and rushes out. I deal with
a fairly constant fear that one day I
will be all dried up like a wineskin in
the smoke, shriveled and weary... done...
finished... no more faith left and all
that will be for me is bitterness, faithlessness
and anger over my suffering. Yet every
day for ten years I've experienced the
miracle of more faith, more water flowing
through the unhealed pain and sorrow in
I know that this flood of life from God
will never stop!
book of Acts says, "Through many
tribulations we must enter into the kingdom
of God." These pangs of childbirth
you and I feel are normal and an every
day occurrence for God's people. Don't
be afraid. Don't be dismayed. He will
never dry up. God will never stop supplying
us with the glory of his own self. The
infinite Jesus, whom the book of Colossians
says "By him all things were created
whether thrones or dominions or principalities
and powers... He is before all things
and in him all things consist..."
What a mighty Savior He is! I give him
Glory! Will certainly supply you with
a faith so you can conquer. Even if it
doesn't feel like it!
pain is huge...
as simple as that. I so want to be done.
Yet, to live is Christ and so I go on
bending all the way to the ground in worship
like a tree before a hurricane. If the
wind continues to rip the leaves of comfort
and pleasure from the branches of my life
I know those torn leaves will dance wildly
in the sky, whirling, circling in the
wind to praise Him. I will remain bowed
and bare but still loving Him with all
that I am.
existence after all is an option for God.
I am His poem (see Eph. chapter two, "We
are his workmanship." The original
Greek literally reads 'poema.') and if
He stops speaking me even for a moment
I will simply cease to be. Somehow I've
discovered a place, a lonely solid rock
deep in my heart that Jesus keeps above
the waves. It doesn't take a single ounce
away from my experience of pain. Oh I'd
give everything I own to be out of this.
through the word of God I have been discovering
that my mind can be healed from panic,
and fear, and despair. And I'll tell
you, I've had my share of hopelessness.
Believe me. My heart goes out to you as
you suffer. I feel the spirit of intercession
landing on me for you.
precious Jesus, reveal your face to anyone
reading this in his or her desperation
and fear and agony. Let your life and
glory rise up within them in order to
staunch the hopelessness and despair...
Let them catch a glimpse of the sufficiency
of your word to heal their minds and then
give them the tenacity and faith to steep
their minds in your word like a tea bag
left in the water for hours until the
water of their heart is the very color
of the heart of Jesus...
am sighing in my soul for you.
believe that in this path there are only
two choices, only two possible outcomes:
bitterness and despair, leading to near
or true insanity. Or, a deep Christian
connection with Jesus that will release
One-ness with God. This One-ness will
release amazing ministry in the lives
was praying today and the Spirit, the
wonderful Third Person of the inscrutable
Trinity of God began showing me how much
He loves me... "If you love me so
much," I replied in my spirit and
in the bitterness of pain, "Why wont
you heal me?"
in my inner being He replied... "It
is because I love so many others so much
and I want to reveal my heart to them
like I have done in you... I want them
to learn from your journey with me so
that they can connect with me in their
hearts. I'm waiting deep within them,
waiting for them to descend into their
own inner beings so that they can receive
much needed rest for their minds and souls...
I do not break the bent reed... I do not
snuff out the smoking wick..."
of what I suffer is for your sake and
for others like you... God laid it upon
me to write for you. Maybe he is speaking
through me, maybe not. I've been strangled
by suffering for almost ten years now.
Every day the monotony of pain, yet pain
never really is monotonous is it? It always
engages my attention completely.
it time. I don't mean to come off
like I have arrived, as though I am
the guru dispensing gems. I'm just
a "beggar" trying to point
the way to others whose hungry cry
I feel all the way through my bones
in empathetic shared suffering. It's
true I don't know you, but I do understand
your pain-- I really do.
one desire is to point to the meat that
will sustain you until you finally arrive
in the glory of light and receive that
new body, that temple, instead of this
failing tent we live in now. Alas, so
have discovered that the reason He calls
us to pray, is for the prayer itself.
For the privilege and rare joining of
my soul and His. For the simple blessing
and joy of communion itself.
White lives in Oregon with his three boys,
ages 12, 13, & 14 and his beautifully
supportive and loving wife who has honored
her wedding vows (in sickness and in health)
far more than she could ever have foreseen.
"Through the fire and despair of
illness and pain," shares Roy, "I
have learned that God is more present
to me than pain, more present to me than
food or drink, more present and loving
and precious to me than anything this
earth could ever hold including perfect
health itself. In the midst of the trials
and tribulations God is teaching me more
than I thought I could ever learn."
He Will Give You Rest
monthly support newsletter, Volume 5,
Issue 1. ©