When the husband
is the partner in the marriage with the illness, his usual role as
fully involved husband, father, and provider is disrupted. The division
of responsibilities that the husband and wife are accustomed to becomes
unbalanced, with more and more transferred to the healthy wife. The
home is then restructured with the wife assuming her own responsibilities,
the responsibilities of her sick husband, and the role of nurse too.
Conflict can arise when the sick husband feels tension and frustration
because he cannot function in every capacity that he once did.
When the wife
is the ill partner she looks to the husband for emotional support
and for him "to be there" for her. If he is unable to express
emotion the ill wife may view him as insensitive or uncompassionate.
Even though the wife needs her husband to be a strong emotional force,
she still does not wish to become too dependent on him because it
depletes her feeling of self-worth. Women are viewed as more emotional
beings, and men are regarded as more rational, even in how they view
illness
A distressing
reaction to chronic illness common to both men and women is the feeling
they are bringing less to the marital relationship than their healthy
spouse. The ill spouse feels they are "holding back" the
healthy spouse from being fulfilled. Feelings of insecurity arise
along with shame and guilt. The ill spouse believes that their partner
must be resentful of what their life has become due to illness. A
vicious cycle develops with the feeling of inadequacy and the continual
need to apologize. A good marriage consists of shared activities,
shared responsibility, common goals, along with a healthy sexual relationship.
Once one partner feels they are the reason for the disruption in the
marriage, they feel deep anxiety. The ill spouse becomes encumbered
with self-doubt and wonders why their spouse stays in the marriage.
Mature
Love
The reactions
to chronic illness which can resolve difficulties come from mature
love. Mature love means:
1-- feeling free to ask for emotional support and getting it. Mutual
support is intrinsic in the marriage commitment.
2-- talking openly as problems arise, rather than withholding resentment
and avoiding conflict. Realize anger is a natural response to the
limitations illness imposes on a marriage and needs to be expressed.
3-- deciding how you can best achieve a physical intimacy which affirms
your feelings of love for each other. This requires talking very openly
about how to do this and putting away unrealistic expectations about
sex.
4-- taking the strain off your relationship and allowing friends and
family to provide extra support, or seeking professional help before
illness puts the marriage in jeopardy.
5-- swapping roles and responsibilities as necessary. Find self-esteem
in your own adaptability.
6-- realizing that chronic illness will certainly disrupt the course
of the marriage periodically, and the commitment to each other
must be reaffirmed.
7-- realizing that possibly what holds the marriage together is guilt,
gratitude, or pity. The damage therein must be repaired or an unhealthy
marriage needs to be dissolved.
8-- chronic illness must be contemplative and mindful, kept in perspective
that it is only one factor that complicates an intimate relationship.
REFERENCE: Living
With Chronic Illness, by Cheri Register